I have gone from dissociating once every few weeks, to once a week, to multiple times a week, to all day everyday.
Nothing is ever “real”. When I talk to people, I feel like I’m talking to myself, or to a machine, not another living human. And humans have become strange to me. It’s like I’m in a dream and they’re some other kind of creature. And most of the time, it’s like they’re not actually there and I have to forcefully ground myself to realize “hey, there’s a person standing right there, notice them”. Makes me question what exactly is happening in my brain. Is it deteriorating? Will I be a drone in another year’s time who can’t communicate or… realize anything’s happening??
I feel like I’m going brain dead by the second. Even when I talk, I don’t realize exactly what I’m saying as I’m saying it. Or I do, but it’s like somebody else is saying it. I don’t feel “me”. And this is constant now. It never goes away. I hate it. And nobody can do anything for me to fix it. My coherency is gone; I only respond thanks to the tiny part of my brain that still realizes I’m alive and there’s somebody asking me a question or trying to show me something.
It gets worse at night, when I’m alone. I look at things and I don’t register that I’m looking at it. I don’t even know how I’m typing this right now because my brain is somewhere else.
…Maybe it’s a coping mechanism… considering how stressed I constantly am. I think the only time I’m really grounded is when I’m sitting in a room with people I’m comfortable with (which is a very tiny amount of people) and we’re all talking. If I make eye contact, I’m a bit more grounded. As long as I can hear their voices…
Nothing is ever “real”. When I talk to people, I feel like I’m talking to myself, or to a machine, not another living human. And humans have become strange to me. It’s like I’m in a dream and they’re some other kind of creature. And most of the time, it’s like they’re not actually there and I have to forcefully ground myself to realize “hey, there’s a person standing right there, notice them”. Makes me question what exactly is happening in my brain. Is it deteriorating? Will I be a drone in another year’s time who can’t communicate or… realize anything’s happening??
I feel like I’m going brain dead by the second. Even when I talk, I don’t realize exactly what I’m saying as I’m saying it. Or I do, but it’s like somebody else is saying it. I don’t feel “me”. And this is constant now. It never goes away. I hate it. And nobody can do anything for me to fix it. My coherency is gone; I only respond thanks to the tiny part of my brain that still realizes I’m alive and there’s somebody asking me a question or trying to show me something.
It gets worse at night, when I’m alone. I look at things and I don’t register that I’m looking at it. I don’t even know how I’m typing this right now because my brain is somewhere else.
…Maybe it’s a coping mechanism… considering how stressed I constantly am. I think the only time I’m really grounded is when I’m sitting in a room with people I’m comfortable with (which is a very tiny amount of people) and we’re all talking. If I make eye contact, I’m a bit more grounded. As long as I can hear their voices…
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